I Oughtta Be (and am) Ashamed of My Damn Self!

I haven't posted all month, and of course I am ashamed of myself. I promised myself I was going to write regularly and that I certainly wouldn't care if anyone read or not. I've allowed myself to get busy with life and have allowed this page to lapse.

Although I've failed to write, so many fabulous things have happened. I've given myself a spring makeover, and sexxed up my look. With the weather being so great, I've been going out more, and I haven't had the necessary depression that usually fuels this post. Ha!! Now you'll have to suffer through posts about sunshine and flowers, and the flirtacious smirks I've had to slap off unsuspecting strangers!

Have a Happy Sunday, and hopefully, I'll be back soon!

A Room of One's Own

It has been well chronicled in this blog my search for an apartment. Inasmuch as I am young, fabulous, and intelligently broke, my funds have only allowed me to look at rooms and studios (**what is a studio but a glorified room?). My search is drawing on empty, and I have to be out of this apartment on March 31st. Despite that fact, I have found time to get in some reading.

Recently I read a classic piece of feminist literature, A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf. I enjoyed the book of course, and what a perfect time to have read this book. As I sort through my own male issues and read the issues that Woolf speaks of in the book, I found myself wishing that I could call Ms. Woolf, invite her for a coffee at Starbucks and show her the marvel (and catastrophe) of women today.

A lot of times, as women, we fail to truly appreciate how far our sex has come. How many options and choices we have now. I am a librarian...traditionally a woman's occupation...but I am studying to become a lawyer...traditionally a male occupation. I can shop at the best boutiques in New York and simultaneously have a vigorous political conversation - then go out and put the contents of that conversation into action. Reading how opinionated creative women have been driven to madness because they lacked the oppurtunities of men is so dismal a prospect; to say I'm overjoyed not to exist in that environment is an understatement.

Woolf's essay was seeking to address a group of women on the topic of, none else, but "Women in Fiction." Her advice: Write about something more serious than fiction; Don't let your sex dictate to you how you think and behave; and my favorite - All a woman needs is 500 a year and a room of one's own.

In her time, she was talking about 500 pounds a year, but we can say, for the new millenium, $500,000 a year. If I had $500,000 a year I could purchase many many rooms. I wouldn't even need that much, or even half! To be able to live in comfort without fear of roaches, rats, unsavory neighbors, and have the piece and tranquility that an ample bank account and comfortable surroundings provide would certainly be conducive to creative thinking, research, and philosophy.

All that I can sayis: I'm on my way. :)

What the Hell Have I Been Doing?

It is March 10, and I'm just now writing in this blog. The perfectionist in me has deleted every single post I've began since the last, and now I realize why so many blogs start then fail. I am at home, lazily writing this prose when I know good and blessed well I should be in class tonight...but I've played hooky to enjoy a nice relaxing night at home full of chores and cooking.

I bet you may be wondering how my apartment hunting is going.

Null and void.

I haven't found a damn thing, and right before I break into a full on anxiety attack...I think of something wonderful and continue on being fabulous. (For those of you who like drinking games: Chug-A-Lug.) With all of the news and happenings birthing and expiring on every single crevice of this planet, my world is sans report. It's as if I'm going through a spiritual, emotional, and financial lobotomy with every person in my life holding the scalpel and tweezers. The only thing that I'm subsisting on is thinking of pretty and shiny things. **Don't fault me for being vain, materialistic, and shallow...that's exactly why you are reading this post!

Now that I've broken March's verbal virginity...I can get back to doing little and enjoying a lot!

Black History Month

The month is almost over and I've finally decided to right something about it. I really just don't know how to fully articulate my argument, and have been debating within myself on just how to word what I have to say.

Black History Month.

So much history. Many times we only focus on the achievements. This month follows the Inauguration of the first black president, but there's still so much history to sift through. There's a new book out about how therapy is so long overdue for the black community. I'd thought this very point over for years. Culture is something that's passed down from one generation to another. We have inherited the good with the bad like DNA. As I look over my predominately black community I see the ills we like to banner with, "Get over it". But if black people can simply "Get Over" the past...why haven't we done it yet?

The fact that as a community we can't get over, what I feel, is a self hatred so deep it permeates into almost ever facet of our culture...I feel as though we should instead try and cure what ails. Well...what ails?

On Sunday I went to church and saw a delightful tribute to an organization of black youths who shouted in the middle of service, "I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I'm a strong black man, I'm a strong black women..." I teared up because it sounded as if they were trying to convince themselves instead of quietly and securely knowing that these affirmations were truths. Even I myself, as I try to further my education and climb the ranks of respectability grapple with these same things. I walk about with this quiet confidence even though each rejection shoots me like a bullet. Often times I want credit for good things done, even though society might label my personal achievments with mediocrity. As proud as I am of my achievements, and as much as I shouldn't give a damn what anyone else thinks, I do. At times I wish I were held to the same measure as others who've grown up secure in their own cultural identity, with mom and dad always there cheering their success. What to do. I must let go of my own personal history in order to reach a new one; a better one.

I have met many blacks who don't even like to talk about the negativity that somehow just can't be shaken from the American black experience. They just want to be seen as individuals as if history hasn't brought you up into this race to carry all of the burdens and gifts that come. So, as I continue to celebrate Black History, and ponder not only the achievments, but the work still needing to be done...I look at my own history and continue to clean all the messes that need to be addressed in my own life.

Finding an Apartment in New York City

I once read a book by Tama Janowitz called, Slaves of New York. In this book, Ms. Janowitz described all of these people who were held into relationships they couldn't stand, couldn't leave their jobs and follow thier passions, couldn't even start semesters of college because they were slaves to New York City rent. People in other parts of the country really don't understand this. This is a city were incomes in certain fields do pay more than the rest of the country, but if you are not earning in a certain area....you are a broke ass fabulous diva!!!

In my last post I wrote about my break-up. Although we're living amicably together...it's about time to leave. Nothing can shake you to the core like knowing that your living arrangement is unsecure. Now, I am a librarian...part-time, and I am a student at night. I don't make enough to pay $1,000+ a month in rent. I've looked at rooms, but I left the dorm so I wouldn't have to put up with that mess!!!

To let you in on a little of what I've been going through...I've provided real Craigslist advertisements. Mind you...I've put my minimum asking price as $500 and my maximum as $700. This is for sharing aparments...and yes...pictures are provided.

1. $550 BEAUTIFUL FURNISHED ROOM FOR RENT IN QUEENS, AVAILABLE NOW!!! (WOODSIDE)

PLEASE READ THE ADD VERY WELL BEFORE YOU CONTACT ME SO WE DON'T NEED TO GO ON THE SAME CONVERSATION AGAIN. The room is medium size 8'X 10' in a 3 bedroom apartment on a second floor, located in a very nice, safe and quiet neighborhood, 68th street bet 50th & 51st ave, only 12 minutes walking or 5 minutes bus ride (Q45) to the 7 train station @ 69 street or 2 more minutes in the same bus to 74 street for E, F, R, V, G, and 7 trains, 20 minutes to Manhattan. Furnished with a twin size bed, desk, chair, dresser, tv, high speed wireless internet access, window and closet. UTILITIES INCLUDED. For ONE responsible person who works or studies, NO SMOKING, NO drugs, NO male visitors, and please be VERY CLEAN. If you think you can not follow these rules, please don't waist your time contacting me. For more information you can email or call 718 791 1290. Hablamos Español - What get's me about this post is the attitude! She starts off with, "Please read this very well so I don't have to explain this again." Those of us who know computer lingo is very aware that the Caps mean she is yelling this to us. I'm already pissed off, and not thinking what we have any future as roommates who'll get along. This is probably an add I would have responded to, if her attitude hadn't been so shitty. I can imagine this attitude coming back to me if I ask her to wash her dishes so I can cook or some other random household discrepancy that can lead to an automatic misunderstanding. This one...folks...is definitely not for me.

2. $700 FEMALE ROOMMATE WANTED-LONGTERM (Financial District)

***PLEASE EMAIL ME AND CONFIRM IF YOUR COMING FOO OPEN HOUSE OR SET UP ANOTHER TIME TO COME BY AND SEE THE PLACE**** ****OPEN HOUSE SUNDAY FEB 1ST FROM NOON TO 2:00PM**** FOR LOFT ROOM AND WILL BE SHARING WITH TWO OTHER GIRLS IN THREE BEDROOM APARTMENT AVAILABLE: Immediately Address: 33 GOLD STREET APT 301(DOWNTOWN) Direction: 2 or 3 to Fulton street stop A, C, to Broadway Nassau E or 9 to world trade center 4 and 5 to Fulton street N and R to City Hall SUBWAY: 2,3,1,9,A,C,E,4,5,N AND R YOUR REQUIREMENTS: -MUST BE VERY CLEAN AND RESPOSIBLE -NON SMOKER -FRIENDLY -VEGETARIAN-I DONT LIKE ANYONE COOKING MEAT IN THE APT AS I AM VEGETARIAN -WILL BE NEEDING ONE MONTHS RENT AND ONE MONTH DEPOSIT TOTAL MOVE IN COST $1400.00 -UTILITIES ARE ABOUT $100.00 EVERY MONTH PER PERSON(FULL CABLE, ELEC. AND HIGH SPEED INTERNET & MAID SERVICE) -NO PETS FACITLITES IN APARTMENT -FULLY CARPETED -HIGH CEILINGS, AIRCONDITIONED -LAUNDRY ON EACH FLOOR -APT IS FURNISHED -TV/DIGITAL CABLE AND HIGH SPEED INTERNET -24 HOUR GROCERY STORE UNDER THE BLDG -DOORMAN BUILDING YOU WILL BE SHARING APT WITH ME AND MY ROOMMATE. MYSELF,32,WORK IN THE FASHION INDUSTRY AND MY ROOMMATE WORKS IN FASHION INDUSRTY AS WELL . - Doesn't like meat being cooked in the house!!! I have to be hungry for her nose!!!?? And the picture...I'm not sure what the hell I'm looking at. What is this...a flooded out basement? I'm not feeling it.

3. $500 Need to rent a couch for a bit to get on your feet? We have one! (east village)

We are two gay guys looking for someone to help out with the rent for a while. We're looking for someone who would be willing to rent out our sofa for a couple of months to make ends meet. We are both very laid back, responsible, considerate and clean. We both work nights, so we arise around noon. If this is something you would be interested in please hit me back for details. Thanks Michael - Michael must be crazy as hell!! Who wants to rent a couch for $500???!!!I'm looking at this couch, and thinking...there's no way in hell I'm going to work all day, commute all over NYC, go to class at night, study, and then sleep on his raggedy ass couch!!!! Hell to No!!!

4. $735 NEED someone to fill a room by Feb 15!! (Hoboken)

>(I've posted this already, but the date has changed. Sorry about the repost!) Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing well. Due to an unfortunate mix-up, I'm leaving my apartment on the 1st, and I'm going to need someone to fill my room from Feb 1st and on. If you can move in before the 15th, that's great. The rent is 735, and the utilities are usually about 100 a month. And there's also a 1 1/2 month security deposit that you get back when you move out. We have FiOS which is AWESOME. The internet is SO fast, and the cable (DVR, too) is great. Huge TV, futon, roof access, great shower, everything was just redone in October, so the place looks great. Usually quite clean. Two other 24 year old guys will be living there after I leave named Ryan and Paul. Good guys, rent is on time. If you want to see the place, let me know. Sorry about the crappy pictures. The kitchen is great, has a dishwasher, and a big fridge. Nice big stove too, and lots of cabinet space. I can fit my twin bed, a dresser, night table, TV shelf, and big ol desk in my room. There's a laundromat in the building, great Chinese down the street, and Washington st is the best. SO! If you wanna live in Hoboken, let me know! Hope everyone is safe and well and good luck in your search! :) - There is no way I'm going to give this slob $735 a month to live in this dump!!! What is he thinking? I'd never let anyone know I lived like this, if I did, and certainly wouldn't advertise on Craigslist. If this person is so crazy to think that a reasonable person would give him $735 a month, he definitely could not be my roommate!

Just When You Think You Know It All...

I pride myself on being a self assured woman who knows who I am, what I want, and how to get everything I want and more. Every so often a person or an event comes along and reminds you that you really aren't the "bitch" you think you are. It's almost been two weeks since my last post and I have been on quite a rollercoaster ride. Since I write this blog under the beautiful cloak of anonymity I feel perfectly fabulous to reveal that I have made a complete ass of myself.

Everyone's had times when they're off and their man is on, or vice versa. Last week, me and my boo were experiencing just this type of dilemma. I quizzed him by asking very insecure questions to reach a level of security this line of questioning just doesn't allow for only to recieve a response from him that caused me to resort to hitting, scratching, biting, and acting a genuine fool. All weekend long has been filled with ups and downs of me just being plain nasty and berating. This morning...I rudely woke Mr. Boyfriend out of his sleep to continue my ranting and raving only to recieve a response this time so simplistic and humble...I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before.

Some of us ladies...as fabulous as we think we are...have some real deep and genuine issues with men. If you've been genuinely hurt by men in the past, the way that I have, then you are a fabulous, sexy, divalicious woman who is scorned. I have hurled fists, accusations, names, and just downright nastiness to a man who didn't cause the hurt that have been plaguing me my entire life. Mr. Boyfriend has treated me with a level of forgiveness, kindness, and love that I haven't reciprocated because I don't know how. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I'm too scared to be loved and too scared to fully love somebody. My hurt just overtakes me, and causes me to blow small misunderstandings completely out of proportion. Never even considering that I could be with an honest kind, loving, sensitive man casues me to feel deep shame and regret. As I write, my body aches from the physical damage I've done to myself trying to hurt someone that didn't look "hurt enough" in the midst of an argument --an argument, that was completely and totally avoidable.

So what now? What do I do? How can I undue all of this pain and learn to see that I can't continually live in past hurts? How can I not hurt the ones I love and not expect to be hurt by them? I'm sure someone will comment, "Seek Therapy"...but please see earlier posts where I have described how my fabulous life has been effected by this economic downturn!

I have so much to learn...
So much to unlearn...
So much love to give and pain to relieve...
Healing is a process, and it has to start somewhere.

Short-List on Making Yourself Feel Good When You Feel Like Shit

I have been kind of wondering around in a mindless "not-so-fabulous" funk for about a week. Not even sweet champagne can lull away these tuggings on my heartstrings. I cannot pinpoint any one thing responisble. A wide range of grievances have me in a complete haze. Yet, and still, I must maintain my Diva swagger. On Sunday I got my hair done. The disappointment I felt over my hair not coming out the way I'd anticipated overwhelmed the reason I'd actually gone in to get my hair done in the first place. I wanted a little pick-me-up; a little shot in the arm to jumpstart me back to my regularly fabulous program.

Everyone has days when they are feeling "not-quite-themselves", even Intellectual Divas are not unsusceptible to this rule. So, as I write this post, that may or may not ever get read, I'm checking off fabulous pick-me-ups that I have done or could do to lift me out of this funk.

1. Get my hair done a
I went on Sunday to get my hair done, and left feeling as if I'd been cheated. Nothing can ruin a day faster than when your hair looks like shit. It is now early Wednesday morning and I'm still adjusting. On-lookers may think I look cute, but only I who know what I wanted, and can truly feel the sting of the disappointment. Only I know the vast difference between the bullshit this woman was paid (and even stipended herself a tip!) to do, and what was actually expected...oh the horror.

2. Get some new digs
I haven't bought any new clothes yet. I may have been able to if I didn't have to dole out money to guilt-mongering relatives who use all of their extra curricula looking for ways to make me feel guilty. These type of people will drain all of the joy your sweet little heart can hold...if you let them.

3. Finish Projects that I've Started
I have 550 things to do. Everyday I try to do at least two things, but some days I don't do anything at all. Sometimes I spend the whole week not doing anything, and then kicking myself in the ass because of the guilt. Thus the cycle repeats itself. Sometimes I can get in this little funk that last and lasts.

4. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
This, of course, is easier said than done.