Just When You Think You Know It All...

I pride myself on being a self assured woman who knows who I am, what I want, and how to get everything I want and more. Every so often a person or an event comes along and reminds you that you really aren't the "bitch" you think you are. It's almost been two weeks since my last post and I have been on quite a rollercoaster ride. Since I write this blog under the beautiful cloak of anonymity I feel perfectly fabulous to reveal that I have made a complete ass of myself.

Everyone's had times when they're off and their man is on, or vice versa. Last week, me and my boo were experiencing just this type of dilemma. I quizzed him by asking very insecure questions to reach a level of security this line of questioning just doesn't allow for only to recieve a response from him that caused me to resort to hitting, scratching, biting, and acting a genuine fool. All weekend long has been filled with ups and downs of me just being plain nasty and berating. This morning...I rudely woke Mr. Boyfriend out of his sleep to continue my ranting and raving only to recieve a response this time so simplistic and humble...I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before.

Some of us ladies...as fabulous as we think we are...have some real deep and genuine issues with men. If you've been genuinely hurt by men in the past, the way that I have, then you are a fabulous, sexy, divalicious woman who is scorned. I have hurled fists, accusations, names, and just downright nastiness to a man who didn't cause the hurt that have been plaguing me my entire life. Mr. Boyfriend has treated me with a level of forgiveness, kindness, and love that I haven't reciprocated because I don't know how. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I'm too scared to be loved and too scared to fully love somebody. My hurt just overtakes me, and causes me to blow small misunderstandings completely out of proportion. Never even considering that I could be with an honest kind, loving, sensitive man casues me to feel deep shame and regret. As I write, my body aches from the physical damage I've done to myself trying to hurt someone that didn't look "hurt enough" in the midst of an argument --an argument, that was completely and totally avoidable.

So what now? What do I do? How can I undue all of this pain and learn to see that I can't continually live in past hurts? How can I not hurt the ones I love and not expect to be hurt by them? I'm sure someone will comment, "Seek Therapy"...but please see earlier posts where I have described how my fabulous life has been effected by this economic downturn!

I have so much to learn...
So much to unlearn...
So much love to give and pain to relieve...
Healing is a process, and it has to start somewhere.

Short-List on Making Yourself Feel Good When You Feel Like Shit

I have been kind of wondering around in a mindless "not-so-fabulous" funk for about a week. Not even sweet champagne can lull away these tuggings on my heartstrings. I cannot pinpoint any one thing responisble. A wide range of grievances have me in a complete haze. Yet, and still, I must maintain my Diva swagger. On Sunday I got my hair done. The disappointment I felt over my hair not coming out the way I'd anticipated overwhelmed the reason I'd actually gone in to get my hair done in the first place. I wanted a little pick-me-up; a little shot in the arm to jumpstart me back to my regularly fabulous program.

Everyone has days when they are feeling "not-quite-themselves", even Intellectual Divas are not unsusceptible to this rule. So, as I write this post, that may or may not ever get read, I'm checking off fabulous pick-me-ups that I have done or could do to lift me out of this funk.

1. Get my hair done a
I went on Sunday to get my hair done, and left feeling as if I'd been cheated. Nothing can ruin a day faster than when your hair looks like shit. It is now early Wednesday morning and I'm still adjusting. On-lookers may think I look cute, but only I who know what I wanted, and can truly feel the sting of the disappointment. Only I know the vast difference between the bullshit this woman was paid (and even stipended herself a tip!) to do, and what was actually expected...oh the horror.

2. Get some new digs
I haven't bought any new clothes yet. I may have been able to if I didn't have to dole out money to guilt-mongering relatives who use all of their extra curricula looking for ways to make me feel guilty. These type of people will drain all of the joy your sweet little heart can hold...if you let them.

3. Finish Projects that I've Started
I have 550 things to do. Everyday I try to do at least two things, but some days I don't do anything at all. Sometimes I spend the whole week not doing anything, and then kicking myself in the ass because of the guilt. Thus the cycle repeats itself. Sometimes I can get in this little funk that last and lasts.

4. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
This, of course, is easier said than done.

A Resolution?

I am enjoying a a very quiet (seriously...not even the TV is on!) Sunday afternoon where I'm trying to forget that Monday morning is ever increasingly looming over m. I woke up this morning scouring the Internet browsing a barrage of useless necessities that I fabulously cannot afford.

Oh to be young, fabulous, and broke!

Christmas and New Year have come and gone, and as the holiday facade dwindles I'm just left wanting. I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way as millions the country over have had to pull back, push back, and hold back this holiday season. I read last week in the AM New York paper that Shopaholics are having, "the-worst-year-ever". Although they know they're not supposed to spend, they just can't help themselves. Thank God I don't have that problem! I'm probably at the other extreme. I can't bring myself to spend, even though I know I need. So, I have been on every website from Macy's to Forever 21, creating fantasy lists that I know I'll never submit. All in the hopes that I'll someday come back and purchase all of these lost goods that I can very easily live without. Hopefully, like other times, certain items will expire themselves out, thus rendering the problem automatically solved.

Times like these are the the stuff that makes hope possible. If I knew with all certainty that cutting back on expenses wouldn't leave me in any better situation than I am currently, then, by all means...I wouldn't hesitate to spend. Here's hoping that I'm going without so that I can actually contribute to something worthwhile somewhere down the line. When I actually think of it...purchasing an overpriced, cheaply made sweater, that will shrink after one wash is really not a great investment.

On the fourth day of the New Year, I'm hoping to stick to a resolution to invest in myself. I will save my money to do things that will improve my financial situation. I will spend money on the little of pieces of trash that will get me over to times when I can make ends substantially meet. And I will tirelessly do everything in my power to become a better woman for 2010. Sounds good...right?