Just When You Think You Know It All...

I pride myself on being a self assured woman who knows who I am, what I want, and how to get everything I want and more. Every so often a person or an event comes along and reminds you that you really aren't the "bitch" you think you are. It's almost been two weeks since my last post and I have been on quite a rollercoaster ride. Since I write this blog under the beautiful cloak of anonymity I feel perfectly fabulous to reveal that I have made a complete ass of myself.

Everyone's had times when they're off and their man is on, or vice versa. Last week, me and my boo were experiencing just this type of dilemma. I quizzed him by asking very insecure questions to reach a level of security this line of questioning just doesn't allow for only to recieve a response from him that caused me to resort to hitting, scratching, biting, and acting a genuine fool. All weekend long has been filled with ups and downs of me just being plain nasty and berating. This morning...I rudely woke Mr. Boyfriend out of his sleep to continue my ranting and raving only to recieve a response this time so simplistic and humble...I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before.

Some of us ladies...as fabulous as we think we are...have some real deep and genuine issues with men. If you've been genuinely hurt by men in the past, the way that I have, then you are a fabulous, sexy, divalicious woman who is scorned. I have hurled fists, accusations, names, and just downright nastiness to a man who didn't cause the hurt that have been plaguing me my entire life. Mr. Boyfriend has treated me with a level of forgiveness, kindness, and love that I haven't reciprocated because I don't know how. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I'm too scared to be loved and too scared to fully love somebody. My hurt just overtakes me, and causes me to blow small misunderstandings completely out of proportion. Never even considering that I could be with an honest kind, loving, sensitive man casues me to feel deep shame and regret. As I write, my body aches from the physical damage I've done to myself trying to hurt someone that didn't look "hurt enough" in the midst of an argument --an argument, that was completely and totally avoidable.

So what now? What do I do? How can I undue all of this pain and learn to see that I can't continually live in past hurts? How can I not hurt the ones I love and not expect to be hurt by them? I'm sure someone will comment, "Seek Therapy"...but please see earlier posts where I have described how my fabulous life has been effected by this economic downturn!

I have so much to learn...
So much to unlearn...
So much love to give and pain to relieve...
Healing is a process, and it has to start somewhere.